A Change of State

Almost two years ago, I found myself in a new spot. Even though I had become fairly adept at navigation… I was lost. I woke up one day, found myself in a heap of self-doubt, self-isolation and debt. I was on my way back to Ohio, to visit family for my nieces first birthday. I was already in a place where I knew I needed to slow down. I had been on the road continuously for a year and half and had been running at an ever-increasing rate for the last 6 months. Crossing the country from the Midwest to the west coast about 6 times during that time. My thoughts were that I would spend a week back in Ohio, and drive across country again, this time heading to Moab and stay put there for awhile. I had passed through that area a few times and thought it seemed as good a place as any for me to try on for a while. Unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, life had other plans.  What I thought was going to be another short visit, turned very quickly into something else.

To back up a moment, I woke up and realized I needed to slow down. To change my pace of searching to one of settled. I needed to reconnect to what I wanted and to be completely honest, to pay off that heap of debt that I had stumbled into. I had no idea what life back in Ohio would look like. I hadn’t lived here for more than 6 months at a time since my 3rd year at Ohio State. To put that in other terms, it had been about 10 years since I lived anywhere without having an exit strategy. I was used to going, to planning, I was used to movement. So feeling a little lost and disconnected maybe shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it was.  Because it meant that I had to look at things I thought I had known about myself. I had to look at the why’s of my decisions of that past couple of years and face some harsh realities. Like... Perhaps I have a tendency to grasp onto one idea and run with it, past the point of it working. I took to the road and ran it out.

So as I settled into my new life of being still. Words like structure became used in my language in a non-negative format. I began to realize that sometimes it can be a useful tool for giving yourself boundaries when you feel ungrounded. Now don’t get me wrong. I have never been a huge fan of words like restrictions or boundaries.  In the sense that I never want to feel as if I am living the type of life I do not want to live, that I am compromising myself. But recognizing the benefits of things, placing them in your toolbox to pull out whenever something needs a little adjusting is just another way to create more freedom in your life. Once you become aware of the usefulness of something, you now have the ability to use it whenever you see fit. To reconnect to those goals that ultimately are leading you to the life you want to live.

For me, that life involves being debt free. Being connected to my beautiful family. And ultimately to be completely location independent doing things I love.

So would my right now life be a surprise to the me of two and half years ago. You bet. But sometimes you may just need a change of state…

For The 10,000th Time

I know we have heard it. I have heard. Most likely you all have heard it too. That listening to what serves you most will not lead you astray.

Let me start here, with where this came from. With my writing, I have hesitated. I have gone through periods of self-doubt. That doubt would stem from wondering if what I was saying was original. It is a hard question to ask.  Because honestly, few (if any) creations are original, so I asked myself… Was I wanting to say anything that hasn’t been said before? The answer is almost unanimously no. Very few concepts, ideas, even if I have thought them for some time, have not been somehow influenced by someone I have met or something I read, so I would keep coming back to… are these thoughts necessary to share. Or have they already been put out there.

Honestly, Not likely. Necessary they are not. But I just spent the weekend at a workshop. Not a writers workshop, but a yoga workshop. And what happened during that first hour of the entire weekend was that I heard something inspiring. Was it a new concept, no. Even new to me, no. Did it still have an impact, Yes! So I started to think about this. For the entire weekend… so I wrote to a friend about the need for a constant reminder…

The mental block. How many times do you have to hear the same thing, intellectually believe the same thing, before you live it? Some lessons are not satisfied being learned once.  And then…  you have to acknowledge The Out. The notion that following your passion can mean you have to refocus everyday, because there will always be easy things… easy things that present themselves in such tempting ways. Which is ultimately ways to justify doing something else. The Out… there are so many.

…The night I return home, I stop by my sister and brother-in-laws’. They had made this delicious GF pizza and their children were being crazy lovey, so I stay. We are sitting there at dinner and Emily starts to talk about something she is reading, about how they are focusing on the idea of no longer compromising the life you want to have. That this book, this concept of leading your ideal life was really resonating. Her husband, Alan, and I just look at each other. I have to say it… “You mean the same thing we have been saying for years”

And it is true. You will hear things that sit really well with you. But if you hear them just once… there is a good chance the impact will fade. Even if intellectually you know them, the trouble lies with experientially knowing… living these ideas. And so I am going to continue to write, my take and my words. Because sometimes you need a different perspective. And sometimes… it takes 10,000 times.